Approximate time to read: 4 minutes
If there’s one thing I hate, it’s the chain email. Especially if it’s friends, who really should know better, sending them to me.
So, the next time you receive one, drop them a subtle hint by sending them this in kind return…
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her parents sell her off to the travelling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send his email to $1000?
How stupid are you?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a load of bollocks.
So basically, this message is a big NO WAY to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Caesar in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2010, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the ‘send this to 50 of your closest friends and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a pound
from some omniscient being forwards about 90 times. I don’t fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:
Make a wish!!!
No, really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they’ll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
Wasn’t that fun? 🙂
Hope you made a great wish 🙂
Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of shit.
It’s true! Because, THIS letter isn’t like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here’s how it goes:
Send this to 1 person: One person will be annoyed at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be rather annoyed at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be very annoyed at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be extremely annoyed at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. There is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goat less Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of crap. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder – if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad gits with nothing better to do.
So this is how it works… Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the pavement, fell down the drain, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of shit, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13-year-old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend. They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.
This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
Chain Letter Type 4
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to all your friends.
A friend is someone who is always at your side.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you’ve been eating cat food.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of toenail clippings.
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, and then thrown to vicious dogs.
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn’t speak much English…no, sorry that’s the cleaning lady.
A friend is NOT someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll never have sex ever again!
The point being? If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on. Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who’s been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 pence per letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail. Right?
Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you’ll find all your pants missing tomorrow morning!