Theatre

Theatre group: Beeston Operatic Society

Location: Various

This was a series of musical concerts.

Theatre group: Beeston Operatic Society

Role: Various ensemble

Location: Duchess Theatre

No show week stories, but this is the first show I auditioned for. I went for the butler role. I turned up for the audition only to be turned away because the other person auditioning for it was on holiday – the plan was for us both to audition for it before the next planned rehearsal.

So, I dressed up in a suit to look the part and turned up nice and early. No-one else appeared. Then the usual rehearsal time came, we were ushered in and the Director read out the names of those with parts – including naming the other auditionee as the butler. Basically, the Director had already decided who was going to get it but forgot to go through the motions of auditioning it first. I learnt a valuable lesson that day but was devastated.

When they realised what had happened they got us both to audition for the role. Needless to say, I didn’t get it. During a later show the same Director confirmed what I already knew – he planned the parts in advance of any audition, which he did really just for show.

Theatre group: Beeston Operatic Society

Location: Various

A concert of Disney Songs. I duetted as Pumba in Hakuna Matata from The Lion King and sang solo as Lumiere in Be Our Guest from Beauty & The Beast.

We didn’t have the rights for this, so didn’t use any Disney assets, and didn’t dress up in character at all.

I wasn’t originally supposed to sing Be Our Guest by myself – it was planned to be an ensemble number, with my just doing the initial speaking part as Lumiere. However, this was the last song we learnt and everybody was struggling to remember everything by this time. I was the only person to actually know the words so rather than saying the opening lines and then moving back into the chorus, they encouraged me to stay out front and continue. I guess this was my first solo.

For Hakuna Matata, myself and John, who was singing as Timon, tried to out-do each other every night to see who could hold their end notes on longer and more extravagantly. He always went before me so I was always able to go just that little bit further.

Theatre group: Beeston Musical Theatre Group

Role: Various ensemble

Location: Duchess Theatre

Set in a fictional Baghdad in the times of The Arabian Nights, and performed during the Gulf War, the story includes an evil ruler who boils his enemies in vats of acid. As if liberal use of brown make-up to look us more Arab wasn’t problematic enough. Thankfully, I remember very little about performing in this. I know I was the assistant to the ruler at one point.

A week after our performance, a fire devastated the theatre.

Theatre group: Beeston Musical Theatre Group

Location: Various

This was a series of musical concerts.

For our concerts, our programmes were free as they were little more than a folder sheet of A4. However, the one for this (see above) was deemed so poor that at least one audience member complained about it. When something free is bad, you know you’re in trouble.

Theatre group: Beeston Musical Theatre Group

Role: Various ensemble

Location: Round Hill Primary School

With local theatres in the area massively increasing their prices, as a result of The Duchess burning down, we ended up at a local primary school, which just happened to have a half-decent stage. We had to hire in staged seating for the show week period and changing room space was limited (we had to use classrooms as well) but it kept us going for a number of years. And performing at Round Hill returned Beeston Musical Theatre Group back to Beeston.

The Mikado! was the first G&S I’d done and is as problematic as Kismet. Originally set in Japan, ours was now in prohibition Chicago. The names, songs and scripts were the same, just the accents were different (but equally dodgy).

The show was chosen, though, because it was simple to put together and didn’t cost much. We hoped we wouldn’t be at Round Hill too long.

Theatre group: Beeston Musical Theatre Group

Role: The disciple Bartholomew.

Location: Round Hill Primary School

JCS took about 10 months of rehearsals and was the first “proper” show we did since moving to our new location. It wasn’t the ideal location but we had the license and didn’t have much of a choice. It also followed straight on from our previous show, rather than there being a concert between them, as usual.

I auditioned for the part of Herod. Now, I’d auditioned for a number of shows before this but nerves always got the better of me. After rehearsals, show week, I could stand on stage without an ounce of nervousness but during an audition I was a wreck. So, I decided this was the last time I’d put myself through it. I also thought I’d try something different, and went to the pub beforehand for a half pint of beer to help calm myself. Half a pint quickly turned to 2 pints and I felt a little worse for wear. My audition nerves had gone but the nuanced characterisation that I’d practised totally went of the window – my version of Herod mainly just shouted at Jesus for the song. I didn’t audition for a main role again for many, many years.

In the end I played Bartholomew, one of the disciples. He’s often depicted holding his own flayed skin over his arm, which was his eventual fate.

During rehearsals, without a set, we’d often stand on the school’s balance beams, representing the high walk-ways that we’d eventually have. One person missed a lot of rehearsals and didn’t know what they were doing so would often be knocking me off the beams. Eventually the Director had a word with them – sort yourself out or you won’t be in the scene!

JCS has a male-dependant main cast so there were few left for chorus. For one of the songs, main cast members would regularly enter and exit during the song, constantly re-balancing the singing ranges available. One of the things I remember about this show, is that it was the first time a Musical Director had listened to me and actually told me what my range was (up until now I’d assumed), including recognising that my range is quite good (3.5 octave). So, for this particular song, she had me switching ranges during the song, depending on who was on stage. As a result, one point I was singing bass and another falseto (the first time I’d been asked to sing this high, but not the last).

I also designed the poster, which was the first one I did for the group. There were 2 reasons – I was dismayed at how fast-and-loose we were being with copyright, but also we had audience members complaining about the quality of the programme for Songs we Love to Sing. So, I took over the design. In this case, the background was drawn by myself and the cross (in shadow) was literally a church ornament.

Theatre group: Beeston Musical Theatre Group

Role: Stage manager

After the gruelling schedule for JCS and a 2-show run, I was ready to sit out. However, with 2 weeks to go, the Chairman realised that we’d not had confirmation from our usual stage manager that he would be doing this show. When he got hold of him, it turned out he wasn’t interested. We had no stage manager and little time to find one. So, I volunteered, with zero expertise of helping backstage at all, let along this particular role.

But I took to it, with my organisational skills coming to a fore. I measured all the sets, props and stage and made detailed scene plans which hung in both of the wings. Most of the sets were too large trolleys on wheels that can be turned around and even opened up to be twice as high (requiring someone, on stage, in the dark, to get up a ladder to do). We had the spinning of the sets (which was so large there was little room left on the stage when both were in use) down to a ballet-like art form by show week. The person who was due to be stage manager came to see the show and congratulated me after, saying he hadn’t envied me.

One thing I remember is that, each night, a wishing well had to placed on stage at a particular point. One of the stage hands was tasked with this and, each night, I’d remind them just beforehand. Eventually they snapped back, “yes I know, I won’t forget”. So, the next night I didn’t say anything and they forgot it. They sidled up to me and muttered “remind me tomorrow, will you?”

Theatre group: Beeston Musical Theatre Group

Role: Stage Manager (both for production and in the Stage Manager role in the show) & Assistant Production Manager.

This was my second time as a show stage manager. However, the show is a “show within a show”, and the show itself has a stage manager role in it too. So I played that. He was known as “Mac” and, otherwise, there’s no character profile for me. As a result, I decided to play him different each night. The picture above is me simply as a cowboy, but on other nights I played him as an old man, a Scotsman and even as Elvis.

When I played him as the old man, the makeup was so effective that I went out to the front of house and opened the door to a friend of mine as he arrived to see the show. He didn’t recognise me.

When playing Mac, at one point, I had to come on stage, from the rear, moving to the front, to deliver a message to Annie. She read it and then I returned back. When I played the old man I moved so slow and doddery, it caused a massive delay with Annie running out of dialogue. As a result she had to ad-lib, which the audience realised to much amusement.

This was the only show I’ve been involved with that involved children – we had 2 groups of 3 children, performing on different nights. I remember sitting down them down before the first show and giving them a health & safety talk, as that was something I was in charge of.

One of the other jobs I did for the show was poster design. We hadn’t auditioned at this stage, so we didn’t know who “our Annie” was. So I took a photo of one of the members (Kristen) from behind and heavily modified the result, making the rifle look realistic and putting them onto an appropriate “wild west” background. Here’s the original photo along with the resulting poster.

I’m very proud of this. I didn’t have any high-end photo editing tools, and it took me about 10 hours of work to cut her out of the original picture and place onto that background (which is a painting). I was very conscious of copyright so everything you see is copyright free, including the typefaces used.

Changes I made to Kristen’s photo included removing the orange “it’s a toy” end on the gun, extending the barrel, removing the cheap-looking rivots, removing Kristen’s ring and making her hips smaller (at her request!). I also aged the photo too, so you’ll see that the colours are different too.

Theatre group: Beeston Musical Theatre Group

Role: Stage Manager

In February of this year I put myself forward as the next Vice Chairman. It didn’t go well and the details of what happened are for another day. It left me with a bitter taste in my mouth, and something I struggled to get past.

I was a couple of weeks into rehearsals for Kiss Me Kate in early 2009 when I realised, “what am I doing?”. My daughter was due to be born within a few months – performing a show during this time wasn’t the right time. So I left Beeston Musical Theatre Group.

Around the same time, I decided to no longer manage their website. Which didn’t go well.

In 2013, I was contacted by The Cast and asked if I’d like to join their next show. Unlike more traditional theatre groups, which have a membership and people from within that group audition, The Cast brings together people from different local groups, with no audition – they simply ask you to do a specific part. One other thing that was different was that they did just one show a year – it took 6 months end-to-end, allowing you to be part of a “main” group elsewhere, as well as take part in The Cast shows too. I ended up as a bit of an outsider – somebody who made The Cast their main group.

Theatre group: The Cast

Role: In Russian Boyband, KG Boyz, and as part of the German Techno-group Nepotism.

Location: Duchess Theatre

Blog post: Ice Queen: My Eurobeat Story

One of my favourite shows and my first with The Cast.

This was a comedy version of the Eurovision Song Contest. It consisted of a number of performers (individuals or groups) singing “their country’s” song. After the interval, there was a performance by everyone, followed by voting. Audience members got to (genuinely) vote by text, with the winners each night performing at the end.

I was in 2 groups. The German Techno-group Nepotism were 3 members, each of us wearing head-to-toe spandex onesies. Each of us was a different colour. They were tight outfits that left nothing to the imagination. We came on and did a routine (less dance and more “movement”). We could barely see so the whole thing was based on following shadows. I hated it.

The other group, which as much more fun, was the Russian boyband The KG Boyz. 3 of us weren’t exactly young (I was the youngest of the 3, at 42) and the other in their 20s. So we invented a backstory that we were a boy band from the 1980s and had been bought out of retirement to represent Russia. However, one of our members had died, so his son was representing him. We all decided to wear dark suits over white t-shirts, which were a number of sizes too small so it looked as if we were squeezing into our original outfits.

We studied N-Sync, 5ive and, particularly, Backstreet Boys beforehand to get the vibe. And work out the cheesy movements they all did.

I was the lead singer and had these excellent high notes at the end of the chorus. At one point I left the stage to interact with the audience. On the final note, I’d sink to the floor on my knees, microphone held above me, pointing down. Glorious. As I tried to get on stage I’d make it as difficult as possible, as if struggling because of my age.

Theatre group: Beeston Musical Theatre Group

Role: Pirate (1st Act) and Police (2nd Act).

Location: Duchess Theatre

My second, and I hope last, G&S show. I returned to BMTG as a favour as they were lacking men for this show. As always, I loved the people. But I didn’t enjoy the show.

I’ve always been a sucker for doing things because I’ve been asked nicely – after all, I think everyone finds it nice to be wanted. But, a few shows later, this would come to bite me hard.

However, a return to BMTG demonstrated that not much had changed.

Theatre group: The Cast

Role: Prison guard

Location: Duchess Theatre

A musical based on a UK TV drama, about the inmates at a women’s prison. The show includes a riot, a rape, simulated sex and somebody being tied to a bed and set alight. This one wasn’t a comedy.

It’s the nearest thing to a play that I’ve done, particularly as my role (as a guard) involved no singing or dancing. It was acting only. In fact, I’d say this show was probably the one I’ve done the least in.

My main role in the whole thing was to start a riot at the end of the first act. Every time I was on stage with the prisoner who starts it, I’d provoke them a little bit more each time, which is what causes the escalation. She then head butts me and the riot starts.

I’d decided early on, after a quiet word with the Director, to use simulated blood to make it look more realistic – specifically, blood capsules. These are placed in the mouth and chewed. The problem was doing this and somehow making it not look obvious to the audience. So, I hatched a plan. My character, very cocky, would be chewing gum all the time. Which I did. I bought gum and whenever I was on stage I was chewing it. Then, before this scene, I took it out but acted as if I still had it in. Then, whilst interacting (silently) with another character, I turned my back to the audience and put the capsules in my mouth. I turned back, still chewing. Nobody knew. I was head butted, went down to the ground and then spat the resulting blood out onto my hand, which I rubbed over my nose and mouth. I stood up, blood everywhere.

I hadn’t told the cast that I was doing this and didn’t try it until the dress rehearsal (this is the final run before the actual show). It was realistic enough that they all thought I really was hurt. And they were in front of me. My general rule of thumb (and you’ll see me repeat the same for the next show) is that if you can fool someone directly in front of you, it will look even better out in the audience.

Theatre group: The Cast

Role: Tramp & Skip Snip.

Location: Duchess Theatre

Theatre group: Gatepost Theatre Company

One of my fellow Cast members was directing this show and asked me to join. How could I resist?

Sadly, it turned sour after a number of weeks after the Director turned out to be bully – both physically and psychologically. I made my excuses and left.

Theatre group: The Cast

Role: Minchen’s Boy

Location: Duchess Theatre

This is based on a UK comedy series which, itself, was based on low-quality soap opera TV shows. Here’s a video of the original show…

In this show I played “Minchen’s Boy”, which isn’t a character from the original TV show. In a nutshell, I was the local idiot. The costume was a combination of items that I provided or suggested, along with some provided by the costumier. The peeked hat has nothing on it – it literally stood up like that, and stayed, when I pulled it up. My main costume was boots, shorts, t-shirt (a duplicate of the one that Ed wears in Shaun of the Dead), hi-vis jacket and wooly hat. My other costume was for a dance routine, in which I had to change in tap shoes (more on that later), and neon wrist and leg warmers.

I’d not done tap before and I’m a terrible dancer at the best of times. Show week, a friend of mine who does know how to tap dance came along and said he could make out me dancing… as I was out to step with everyone else. That sounds about right.

One of the above pictures shows me being pulled by my ear. During rehearsals Alex would lightly hold my ear and expect me to drag myself across the stage, but it didn’t look right. So, I gave her permission to do it – so she literally is grabbing me by my ear and dragging me by it. It didn’t hurt and made the whole thing a lot more realistic.

The show has a big song and dance routine for when Mrs Overall returns. Everyone is wearing sequenced hats and jackets. The script required me to leave the stage before this scene and there was no way I could get back in time for it, so I had to skip it (based on my dancing skills, that wasn’t a bad thing). However, I did need to be back on stage for the scene after so asked the Director if he wanted me to creep back or “make a thing of it”. He told me to do whateverI thought was best. Game on.

So, just as that dance routine ends, I ran across the back of stage, wearing the same sequenced hat and jacket, and visible through the shop windows. As I run pass a window, I double-take and then stop, having realised that I’ve missed the dance. My character looks dejected and I may have mouthed “Oo, for ****’s sake”. I’d then slowly walk in, looking thoroughly miserable. Those in the audience who noticed really liked it and one person told me they thought it was the funniest part of the show (and they did enjoy it – that wasn’t a back-handed compliment).

After one of the shows, an older lady came up to me and told me she’d seen the show in the West End, but thought we did it better. Praise indeed.

Theatre group: Beeston Musical Theatre Group

Role: David Fonda, Bum and other ensemble parts

Location: Duchess Theatre

Blog post: My Wedding Singer Diary

Trailer

I returned to Beeston Musical Theatre Group for this show, as the film is one of my favourites. As it turned out, this was one of my favourite shows to have performed in too.

I had a number of parts in the show but probably my favourites were as the drunk brother-in-law (David Fonda) at the beginning (played by Steve Buscemi in the film) and the old man in the bar.

Playing as David Fonda seemed great. Drunk and obnoxious it was a great opportunity to “ham it up”. However, I also had to be horribly inappropriate to women. On stage. Slapping bottoms, grabbing breasts and God knows whatever else. I refused to do it for rehearsals but, knowing I would absolutely do what I needed to show week, apologised on the opening night to the women involved. I don’t know if they were all talking to me by the end of it.

One of those ladies was Laura Jayne Hanson, then just 21, who’s now gone onto much greater things in the world of singing. As well as the opening scene, in a later one we played a couple in a restaurant, where I propose to her and she accepts. Each night she’d return the ring to me and we’d do the same the next night. After the last performance, back stage, and very straight faced I told her that, technically, we were really engaged. I think she went white.

In the later bar scene, where I was the old man/bum, I had a line to deliver to Rob, who played Sammy. I had to go up to him and, in a low voice, deliver the line from the film, “everything will be alright”. Every night I did it different – different pauses, actions and generally intonation. Many nights I got Rob to corpse, which became my aim by the end.

Last story – the final song in the first Act is named Saturday Night in The City. It includes (and ends with) some really high falsetto. Only 2 of us could sing it and Craig was on stage, dancing, with his back to the audience, so I stood in the wings, with a mic, to provide it. Party way through the scene, the principals come off. They’d go off one side and then come around to the other, where I was. We’d huddle around and absolutely belt out the song together. It was not just a great song, which I enjoyed singing, but that group singing in the wings was a real highlight for me.

Theatre group: Beeston Musical Theatre Group

Role: Sir Archibold Proops and ensemble

Location: Duchess Theatre

In this show I played Sir Archibold Proops, a court judge who was behind shutting down funding for Dr Jekyll’s work and, hence, getting the ire of Mr Hyde. Falling out of a pub with one of the female hospital board members, I try to defend her when we’re approach by Hyde, only to be stabbed repeatedly and left for dead. My compatriot then has her neck snapped by Hyde.

Although I wasn’t a huge fan of this show, for all of the above we got training from another member of our group, who is trained at theatre stunts for his work with battle re-enactments. As well as being shown how to properly and safely do each of our deaths (the most gruesome was somebody who had their head slammed repeatedly against a wooden stool), we were also shown more general methods.

Indeed, what we did on stage was dangerous/important enough that after each of us came off, after our respective deaths, we had to give a safe word to ensure all was okay. On 2 occasions I didn’t give mine – and not because I’d forgotten.

The blade uses by George (who played Jekyll/Hyde) was a wooden replica. And, although not sharp, it was still solid. Standing side on, he’d do that thing of putting it between my side and my arm, but from the audience they couldn’t tell it wasn’t going into me. But it was dark and I never always got my arm into the right position. One night it wasn’t out of the way so he hit me repeatedly in the crook of my elbow. Which hurt. The worst was when I got my hand in the way and he hit the soft part of my palm, by my thumb. It was very painful and I had to take painkillers over night, not just for the discomfort but for the swelling to go down.

Theatre group: The Cast

Blog post: Farewell to Hair

I got 3 months into the 6 months of rehearsals before I left this show. It was constant movement and dance – not one my strong points – and I simply couldn’t remember it all. By the time we started on the second act, I was already forgetting what we did in the first one. Although the group could have done without loosing a male performer, and the Director thought I’d be fine, I felt I wouldn’t be and would let everyone down if I’d continued.

I learnt from this not to jump into signing up for a show without fully understanding more about what’s required for it.

After walking away from Hair I decided to spend some time away from a show and working on my skills. I started taking singing lessons. My old group, Beeston Musical Theatre Group, was doing Jesus Christ Superstar as their next show, which I was interested in. When we’d done the show before I’d auditioned as Herod, and narrowly not got the part, so decided I’d go for it again. However, when I got the audition details I learnt that they intended to do it with more of a pop-culture twist. In the case of Herod, they wanted it performed as Donald Trump. That was a big “no” from me, so I didn’t go for it.

However, a certain pandemic occurred. Jesus Christ Superstar never happened (and the license expired eventually) and my singing lessons stopped.

Even once it was over, theatre groups were wary of on-going infections and limited performances to existing members.

After the pandemic I joined a couple of choirs, one of which was run by a member of The Cast that I’d performed with in numerous times, and the second was a Musical Director I’d worked with. Each of those, in turn, though stopped.

Theatre group: Beeston Musical Theatre Group

Role: Nachum, the beggar, as well as a Russian thug.

Location: Duchess Theatre

Blog post: Fiddled on the Roof

I was back! After Covid, I was finally back on the stage and back with BMTG again.

Fiddler on the Roof wouldn’t have been my first choice, but it was something. And, as it turned out, I had a fantastic time in it too.

Fun fact – I was one of the few people allowed to speak with a Yidish accent as I was told mine was good enough to do so. Which was a surprise to me, as I wasn’t even trying hard to do it when I was told that. Oy vey.

I spent most of the show as Nachum, the beggar, which is close to being a drunk, I guess. In one scene a number of us, including myself, do get rowdy and drunk anyway. Later in the show I also played a Russian thug for one scene too.

Theatre group: Beeston Musical Theatre Group

Role: Train conductor, New York pedestrian, diner, cavalry officer

Location: Duchess Theatre

Trailer

I didn’t intend to do Hello Dolly. I’d got into a stride of doing a show a show over 6 months and then taking the next 6 months off. I’d already done 2 straight, so this time I was going to sit it out. Until my friend Paul, who was Directing the show, contacted me after auditions to see if I’d join the chorus as, not unusually, they lacked men. I did, on the understanding that…

1. I didn’t have to dance. I ended up having to do so.
2. I didn’t have a named part. I was named as the Train Conductor.
3. I didn’t have to attend many rehearsals. Despite having little to do in the show, I was at more rehearsals than I was for Sister Act

So, that didn’t go to plan. But it was fun anyway, although I still find the story a bit odd.

After this, I was definitely taking time off, though. And, as it happened, during the week of the next BMTG show (The Addams Family) I was at a work meetup, so couldn’t have done it anyway.

Theatre group: Beeston Musical Theatre Group

Role: TV Reporter, Press, Ensemble

Location: Duchess Theatre

This was my first audition for a major part since Jesus Christ Superstar back in 2006. At first I was going for the role of Anatoly, but actually went for both him and Freddy (the 2 main, male parts). I had 6 months of singing lessons in preparation and was feeling pretty confident. In the end, though, I was out-matched by far superior singers.

However, I got to sing a line as a member of the press in Press Conference and had multiple speaking likes as a TV Reporter.

Although visually rather fantastic, the show was otherwise disappointing. This is the first show I’ve ever performed more than once and, as it was the first one I ever did, back in 2001, I was excited for it. Sadly, issues during rehearsals meant that we were unprepared vocally and last minute changes to the sets meant that some of the big numbers were underwhelming.

Theatre group: Beeston Musical Theatre Group

Role: Bob Enright

Location: Duchess Theatre

And, after Chess, we are so back!

I continued to audition, this time for the comedy character of Dick. Sadly, I didn’t get it but was Bob instead. He’s the next in command to the slimy boss, Frank. He has a redemption arc during the show and is actually the person who takes Frank away by the end, repeating back his only lines to him. He’s no Dick but it was fun.

David Artiss’ Bob has some great reactions to a few of his boss’s more near-the-knuckle comments

Broken Legs Blog

Earlier this year I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my hips. Although I’d struggled a little with Chess, this show was a lot more dance lead and I struggled a lot more as a result. However, now knowing the cause and what to avoid means that I’m in a better place to avoid any movement that I now could cause issues.

After this show I’m taking a break but will return in 6 months for Sweeney Todd.