Blog

More poetry fun from the same, fateful day in 1993.

Turbo the Turtoise – a poem in 5 distinct stages.

1. The Fluffy Bit

Turbo the Tortoise
He’s a nippy little chap
Flying thru wonderland
Without need of a map

He soars over jelly trees
Using his jolly jet boots
Shaking the trees
From the jelly to their roots

Passing pink umbrellas
Candy and cotton clouds
All is good and jolly
In wonderland surrounds

2. The Surreal Bit

Turbo was a melon
Harrummph, Harrummph
Wibble, fish
Passing wind thru his toes

He passed logs of windows
Eggwhisk blades a-whirring
Twisted whirls a-blurring
Harrummph, Harrummph

3. The Waynes World Bit

Babe alert, babe alert
Cried the excellent dude most hearty
She’s high on the strokeability scale
And I bet she knows how to party

Shcwing, went Turbo, to the fox
He really felt good about it
I’m not worthy, he did cry
She was no squirly bit

4. The Romantic Bit

Holding her in his muscular arms
He swept her off her feet
Soaring way up in the air
He had in store, a treat

As his arms moved across her chest
She gave a gentle sigh
She raked her hands thru his hair
As he moved down to her thigh

5. The Violent and Sad Ending Bit

Turbo was in love
But as he moved down to her thigh
He got a bit of a shock
As she pulled out an Uzi

Riddling him with bullets
Blood spurting out from every hole
He started up his jet pack
And off went Turbo

The flame from the ignition
Incinirated his one true love
He wondered what he’d done
As he climbed towards the heavens above

Fishing out his machetti
He plunged it thru his heart
His jetpack finally giving out
He plunged like a weighted dart

Splattering on the concrete below
Our friend was no-more
How we’ll miss our dear old friend
The Tortoise call Turbo

5b. The Scooby Doo Ending

Turbo was a resourceful chap
He had a bullet-proof shell
The bullets hit his one-true love
And with a bump she fell

He reached down to help her up
But he noticed something odd
She seemed to be wearing a mask
Which he ripped off of her bod

Revealing the person who had fired
It was an evil guy
He hated all the pollution and noise
That Turbo made as he would fly

“I would have got away with it too”
The evil man sighed
“If it wasn’t for your pesky shell”
Upon which the old man died

Good old Turbo – what a guy
Good riddance to that louse
He’ll never forget his bullet proof shell
Whenever he leaves the house

THE END

Written by my good self, on 4th June 1993. I’m also available for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

I once knew a fish
His name was Fred
I loved him so dearly
I took him to bed

But poor old fish
The bed was dry
He needed moisture
And eventually died

I bought a new fish
His name was banana
What I didn’t know
Was that he was a piranha

I loved him also
I bedded him too
But while I was asleep
He began to chew

He chewed off my arms
My legs and my feet
When I awoke
I admitted defeat

He took over my life
Bossed me about
If I did anything wrong
He began to shout

I began to hate him
I hatched a plot
I wanted him dead
I wanted him shot

Using my teeth
I held a twelve bore
Squeezing the trigger
Banana was no more

The moral of this story
Off the top of my head
Is love your pets
But don’t take them to bed

..so the email went that I received from a good friend.

Apparently, a trick tried in the US is now coming over here. Car jackers place a piece of paper in the middle of your back window. When you notice it and get out of the car, they jump in and take your car.

Well, thank goodness I’ve been told. I can panic whenever I see a piece of paper on my car.

Except it’s all a load of rubbish, and I guessed as much as soon as I received it.

I wish – really wish – people would do some more research before sending out emails that could panic people unnecessarily. My mother-in-law-to-be was given something similar by a friend, all about how microwaving or freezing plastic containers can cause cancer. Except that’s rubbish too. But not before she’d told friends and family, far and wide.

Make Snopes your friend too. And in the case of the above two examples feel free to read the following:

Are parking lot carjackers placing flyers on rear windshields of cars?

Does microwaving foods in plastic containers release cancer-causing agents into the foods?

Does reusing plastic water bottles cause them to break down into carcinogenic compounds?

The thing is, by replying back to people with these links, I know people probably think I’m trying to be smug or just make them look stupid. In fact I’m just against people being unduly worried. Especially as it’s Christmas.

Ho ho ho.